To deal with violence effectively, we must understand the message that it’s communicating to us, because violence is a form of communication. This may at first seem impractical e.g. when somebody is throwing punches, does it really matter what the “message” is? It is worth noting however, that most physical assaults are preceded by some form of verbal exchange, and it is here, in this phase of the attack (the pre-conflict stage), that we can gain an understanding of what is actually being communicated to us; and when we understand this we can formulate an effective response and strategy for dealing with it.
When we spill a drink over somebody, cut somebody off in a line, etc., and as a consequence, they become aggressive towards us, what they are communicating to us, is something very different to the predatory individual who wants to sexually assault us – the initial physical attack may be the same in both instances, e.g. they go to grab us, push us, etc. - but what they are “communicating” to us is very different. This is something that often gets lost in self-defense training i.e. we focus on training to deal with the grab or push, without defining the context of the situation, and teaching what the attacker is trying to communicate to us. The sexual assailant is attempting to express power and control, whilst the person who has had the drink spilt over them, is demonstrating frustration, social humiliation, and the need to right a wrong, etc. When we understand what aggression and violence is attempting to communicate to us, we have an opportunity to respond more effectively – whether that is with a physical or non-physical solution.
It is easy to get caught up in the moment, and not question what is actually being communicated to you. If you are in the midst of a stalking campaign, that sees you constantly receiving text messages, phone calls, and emails from an ex-partner, you will a) be exhausted and overwhelmed, and b) have your focus directed towards the latest message or attempt at contact. You probably will not be questioning what the stalker and their campaign is trying to communicate to you. However, understanding this is key to effectively dealing with it. An ex-partner who continues to contact you, is telling you that you don’t have the power to end the relationship with them; that they can continue to have a relationship with you, whether you want that or not. This is what their campaign is trying to communicate to you. The campaign also has a secondary message, which is that you should be thinking about them all the time; by making sure that 80-90% of all of your electronic communication is from them, you come to believe that every time your phone rings, or you receive a text, etc., it is your stalker i.e. you are continually thinking about them. If we understand what a stalker is communicating to us, we can start to effectively deal with them. If they want to demonstrate that they can keep having a relationship with us(regardless of our choice in the matter), we need to make sure that we don’t respond to the things that they do – if we do communicate back, we are engaged in a relationship with them, and proving their point.
Aggression using social media needs to be looked at in the same way. What is it that the troll or bully, posting aggressive comments on a post, or making a post, is trying to communicate? Again, it’s easy to respond emotionally, and become angry, etc. if the comments/post get directed at us, but it’s worth taking that moment to look at what the individual is communicating by making their post. We tend to look at these actions and behaviors being the mark of somebody suffering from low self-esteem i.e. they are knocking somebody down to feel good about themselves, etc. However, a person who suffers from low self-esteem, would not want to have the spotlight turned on them, and yet a large part of the post is about saying, “look at me”. This is the behavior of someone who has a high level of self-esteem, not a low-level. However, posting and commenting in such an aggressive/negative way, is not the mark of a confident or secure person; such people are self-contained and don’t need to gather attention in this way. Once we understand that we are dealing with an insecure person with high self-esteem i.e. they question why others don’t recognize them in the same way that they view themselves, a lot of the initial power that such a post/comment may seem to have, is greatly diminished, and we can choose how best to deal with it.
When we understand that a sexual assailant is motivated by the need for power and control, and this is what their violence is trying to communicate, we need to demonstrate immediately that we are those individuals who possess our own power and control, and cannot be dominated in this fashion. Our own violent response needs to communicate back this message. In fact, much of what we do in a violent confrontation is communicating with our attacker – most fights end not because one party is physically incapacitated and unable to continue, but because they no longer have the desire to continue fighting. Part of our extreme aggression in the face of violence, is to communicate that this confrontation will not, and is not going to go favorably for them; when you throw multiple strikes, one after another at your attacker, you are not only delivering pain, you are also communicating to them, that you can overwhelm them, that you are not a victim, and whatever end goal they might have envisioned when they started/initiated their assault isn’t going to happen. A lot can be communicated in a punch.
Understanding that violence is ultimately a form of communication, may at first seem philosophical, or merely a theoretical notion, however when we can understand the messages that different aggressors are trying to send us, we can formulate better and more effective solutions for dealing with them.